Having spent several days as a guest of the medical system and having been discharged with orders to make appointments with a herd of doctors, I have spent hours this week attempting to navigate the phone systems that have been installed “for the convenience of our patients.”

In one case, I climbed the menu tree for about 3.5 minutes before the bot deemed itself sufficiently informed to ring the department I’d ask for. The phone rang once, and then it hung up.

Being of genetically unsound mind, I began to ponder how we got from the days when we dialed a number, somebody answered, and something got done to where we are now, the captive of telephone bots who seem to have the evil intent of thwarting even our simplest desires. We call this progress.

On March 7, 1876, almost 150 years ago, Alexander Graham Bell demonstrated what he claimed was his invention: the telephone. The famous first words spoken were, “Mr. Watson, come here. I want you.”

I assume that Mr. Watson replied, then went to wherever Mr. Bell was.

Imagine how that same phone call would go today.

      (WS of AG Bell in his office. He’s surrounded by several distinguished looking men, all with beards and swallowtail coats. With a flourish, Bell begins  dialing the phone. SFX: phone ringing. There’s a click.)

(Bell) Mr. Wa…

(Phone) Thank you for calling Mr. Watson. Press 1 or say English to proceed in English. Oprima dos o diga Español para continuar en español.

(Bell) What?  I just want to…

(Phone) Press 1 or say English to proceed in English. Oprima dos o diga Español para continuar en español.

(Bell) English. ENGLISH!

(Phone) Thank you. Please listen carefully to the following menu since our options have changed. Press or say 1 if you would like to pay a bill. Press or say 2 if you want to make a purchase. Press or say 3 if you no longer find any meaning in this life. Press or say 4 for all other calls.

(Bell) Four! I just want to …

(Phone) I need just a little more information so that I can properly direct your call. Can you tell me in a few words why you are calling?

(Bell) I want to speak to Mr. Watson.

(Phone) I understand that you want to speak to Mr. Watson. Does Mr. Watson know you.

(Bell) He works for me!

(Phone) I need just a little more information, and I’ll make certain that I properly direct your call. What color are your eyes?

(Bell) Just let me speak to Watson.

(Phone) I understand that you want to speak to Mr. Watson. Is that correct?

(Bell) Yes!

(Phone) I’ll connect you now.

(Phone rings. There is a click.)

(Phone) Due to higher than average call volume all of our Watsons are assisting other callers. There’s currently a wait of ten minutes. Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line and we will connect you to the next available Watson.

(Slow pull back as Bell begins to weep. The distinguished men try to find a point in space to stare at in embarrassment. Fade to black.)